18 February 2010

Objects are Closer Than They Appear

It shouldn't really come as a surprise that writing about the events of a year ago have been more difficult than I thought. Well, to be honest, I really didn't consider that revisiting a year back would open Pandora's Box for me. Once my oncologist said I was in remission, I "stepped on the gas" and rode away from it all and never looked back -- until now. I mean, really! Do you blame me? Cancer is not a pretty thing to look at nor contemplate, particularly if you'd been through it. So, it was the [road to the] future, or bust!

This blog is part of that road to the future. I thought that having had cancer and going into remission had to count for something. I needed to do something with it. After months of figuring out how and where, a couple of very trusted loved ones suggested this forum. Reluctantly, I conceded that it made sense as a first step. With the aid of my journals from last year, I began to post here. The hope was that my experiences would be of help to someone else. Throw the seeds out there. Something might grow.

Admittedly, this has been surprisingly challenging because "looking in the rear view mirror" has proven the past to be closer than I thought it was. Each post is like picking on the scab of a still fresh and deep wound. I'm not saying this so that anyone should feel sorry for me. Rather, I want to say that cancer stays for a while because it affects everything from your physiology, to your psychology, maybe even your spirituality on very deep level. It's ironic that you are told you're better, but you actually are still sick. And it's a long road to wellness. So tread lightly and be gracious to yourselves if you have been through it. And for those of you who know cancer survivors, being aware of that might help you understand and help them better. It's not as cut and dry. I wish it were. From this vantage point, things seem more frightening and foreboding than they were when I was actually in the middle of it all. Like they say, "hindsight is 20/20." And the hindsight is pretty scary.

Thomas Wolfe said "You can't go home again." In this instance, I must. Because only in looking back and being okay with what's behind me can I look forward and go full speed to the future that is in front of me.

The last thing I want this blog to be is a confessional or a place where I just listen to myself talk. But, as I work through all of this, I hope that it is helping someone else sort things out as well. We're not alone.

Now what? I'll keep looking towards the green pastures ahead, while paying mind to the objects in the rear view mirror as they get smaller and farther.



l'optimiste said...

sweetie - cancer is like a bloody cold sore - it comes, it goes...we hope it's gone forever but we never know. The thing is, we have one another. So glad you have joined the blogging community. It's a kind place [sometimes surreally so!] and there are lots of lovely people out there.

Make the most of everything. I do! :o)

Karen said...

After going through the trials and tribulations associated with cancer, and mentally wrestling with all the uncertainties that loom ahead, it is only normal to look back at times. I guess the key is to take what you've learned - throughout this struggle - and use that knowledge and insight to move forward, day by day, stronger and healthier than ever before.

ce_squared said...

thank you both for your kind responses! :-) being a "newbie" i'm still learning to live with cancer. and i'm really glad you ladies are here with me. cxxx

Catherine said...

Thanks so much for visiting my blog and leaving your lovely comments!! :)

I understand completely what you say in this post. My son was diagnosed with a brain tumour when he was 7 (he's now 15) but it still hurts to this day!! You learn to live with it. I have a strong faith (I'm a Christian) but it's still hard to deal with when life isn't so good for him.

I'm looking forward to following you! xx

ce_squared said...

Thanks, Catherine! Faith is a quite the powerful thing, isn't it? All the best to you and your son.


Post a Comment