The other night, I was having a huge existential crisis. Since entering remission, I've felt my life in flux with serious lack of direction and purpose. Why did I survive cancer this bad, only to be brought to this place? Why? There's got to be a reason. I was crying for one.
Then, I was given wise counsel: "Maybe it's just as simple as having an excellent oncologist and you wanting to live."
It's very Zen.
But it may be that simple.
Life With Cancer
21 February 2010
Search
Why I'm Here
After having been hit with an advanced form of cancer in early 2009, I desperately raised my hands up in the air and asked "why me?" Apparently, there's no satisfactory answer to that question. So, I tried another one: "Now what?" That's when the road to discovering how to live with cancer opened up. "Live" is the operative word. Life is a process. And process is constant. Now, I don't purport my process to be the end-all-be-all. It's been quite a trip really, full of stumbles and falls. But, no matter how slowly or quickly, I eventually got up each time, albeit asking "now what?" many a time. The hope is that something here resonates with some of you out there, so that you know that you are not alone, or wrong, or beaten, or weak, or crazy – even when you raise your hands up to the air sometimes and ask, "now what?"
Yours Truly
- ce_squared
- I am in process "Process - the energy of being, the refusal of finality." - Jeanette Winterson.
Labels
- alienated (1)
- American Cancer Society (3)
- assert (1)
- atrophy (1)
- Auntie Mame (1)
- bald (1)
- beauty (1)
- believe (1)
- biopsy (2)
- birthday (2)
- blood clots (2)
- blood clots. Emergency Room (1)
- blood test (1)
- boyfriend (2)
- breast cancer (1)
- bucket list (1)
- CA-125 (1)
- CA125 (1)
- cancer (14)
- cancer awareness (2)
- cancer research (1)
- cancer survivors (1)
- Carbo-Taxol (1)
- Carboplatin (3)
- care (1)
- cause celebre (1)
- celebrate life (1)
- celebration (1)
- chemo (6)
- chemotherapy (4)
- comfort (1)
- community (1)
- confidence (1)
- Coumadin (2)
- courage (1)
- coverage denial (1)
- crazy (2)
- CT Scan (1)
- deductible (1)
- doctor (1)
- dread (1)
- Eat Pray Love (1)
- Elizabeth Gilbert (1)
- empathy (1)
- empowering (1)
- entrusted (1)
- ER (1)
- existential crisis (1)
- faith (3)
- fall apart (1)
- fight (1)
- focus (1)
- forget (1)
- fuel (1)
- global action (1)
- guilt (1)
- hair loss (2)
- healing (1)
- Healthcare reform (2)
- heart (1)
- hero (1)
- hope (1)
- infusion (1)
- insane (1)
- insurance (1)
- Internist (1)
- involved (1)
- Irish brogue (1)
- Keri Carr (1)
- kindness (1)
- learnings (1)
- living with cancer (1)
- loneliness (2)
- lost (1)
- Luminaria (1)
- Lymphoma (1)
- make up (1)
- meditation (1)
- move (1)
- neuropahty (1)
- not curable (1)
- Now What? (1)
- Nulasta (1)
- nurse (2)
- nurses (1)
- office (1)
- oncologist (2)
- optimist (1)
- ovarian cancer (2)
- ovarian cancer awareness (1)
- partner (1)
- personal boundaries (2)
- personal space (1)
- PET scan (1)
- pink (1)
- pragmatist (1)
- pre-existing condition (1)
- premiums (1)
- privacy (1)
- pulmonary embolism (2)
- reason (2)
- regimen (1)
- Relay for Life (2)
- remission (4)
- reset (1)
- resilient (1)
- revel (1)
- romance (1)
- routine (2)
- sadness (1)
- sanity (2)
- scarves (1)
- set the tone (3)
- sexy (1)
- sharing (1)
- shave (1)
- silence (1)
- solitude (1)
- spectacle (1)
- Stage 4 (2)
- Stage 4 Ovarian Cancer (1)
- Stand Up To Cancer (1)
- static (1)
- structure (1)
- support (1)
- surgeon (1)
- Susan G. Comen Foundation (1)
- sympathy (1)
- Taxol (3)
- teal warrior (1)
- Ted Kennedy (1)
- The Divine (1)
- touched by cancer (1)
- treatable (1)
- treatment (1)
- uninsured (1)
- visualization (1)
- WHO (1)
- why (1)
- World Cancer Day (1)
- World Health Organization (1)
- zen (1)
Followers
Blog Archive
-
▼
2010
(43)
-
▼
February
(19)
- Caveats aka "The Fine Print"
- World Cancer Day
- Those Dodgy Clots
- And Then There Were Four
- The Internist
- THE Nurse
- My Surgeon
- The Chaplain
- my prayer
- It Wasn't Lymphoma Afterall
- A Mere Drop In the Bucket
- Objects are Closer Than They Appear
- And Now, a Brief Moment of Silly Puffery
- Perhaps It's That Simple
- Even Boxing is a Team Sport
- The Man Who Took The Wheel
- Oh! But They Wanted Someone Else to Drive!
- Guess Who Ended Up in the Driver's Seat Anyway?
- Auntie Mame [Everyone Should Have One]
-
▼
February
(19)
Posts
5 comments:
Oh, Friend, you've asked a good question: 'Why did I survive cancer this bad, only to be brought to this place?'
I find myself asking that question at times, too. Survivorship is often filled with praise and grief, perseverance and failure, singing and crying, all in the same day...
Maybe the real question is this: 'Why did I survive this bad - could it be that I am uniquely chosen to help someone else get to this place?'
I have only 'known" you for a couple of weeks, but already I am encouraged by your blog. Your recent sketch shows readers even more insight about who you are and what talent you possess.
Keep pluggin' along, sister, and remember that each of has has a 'purpose.' God uses us differently, at different times, and in ways that ultimately bring us to a new place where we see life from a totally different viewpoint.
Praying for you!
you are so kind, karen! thank you. i succumged the other night doubt and fear. it may have been physiological, pyschological, or even emotional. but it was bad. and you're right. the ride is unpredictable at best.
but today,i woked up and and am ready to walk again, despite questions on direction. :-)
thanks so very much for being such a great support.
here's a to new day.
bless you!
cxxx
Dear Cece,
Slowly I'm going to post as soon as I figure out how to...
b.
I've been reading an interfaith book lately that encourages one to embrace "mystery." Well....bullpoop. I constantly struggle to leave room for unanswered questions. I think it takes courage to sit in "I don't know" and pull up a chair in that very uncomfortable place. Mystery? I want answers.
As you know, Cece,I've succumbed to the fear. I have felt lost, losing my way both inside and outside. The chemo ride is over, the remission continues, and I so identify with your "now what."
I AM certain of this: of my affection and respect for you and that you are doing a very good thing with this blog and sharing your story.
thanks, b! i'm SO HAPPY to see you here. :-) i have my lapses of "now what?" but then i settle down and keep going. certainly, this won't be the last existential crisis. but we keep walking, don't we?
cxxx
Post a Comment